Reckoning

A Soul Sunday Episode

That painful moment, or seven, where you know something will have to change. The do or die.

We, all of us, will come face to face with our own moments of reckoning.

There are a few people I would like to speed that process along for, but I do not get to.

I don’t get to do that, and I also don’t get to be the sentencing judge, or the verdict-giving jury.

Anger can be fueling, but I would caution against building a home out of that particular fire.

The truth is, no one really gets away with anything.

Another truth is that it often looks like all of the worst violations go undetected or seem to have a mismatched punishment. We humans have very clear ideas about what justice should be. Especially when people we love have been hurt.

It is astonishing, what some humans use their free will for. Audacity must be half-off, again.

And still, the only say I get, is whether or not I will perpetuate a cycle in my own experience. Whether or not I will stay committed to the examination of my own life and choices.

The only action I can take is to say what’s true, and let the process be the process.

As soon as I appoint myself an angel of vengeance, I lose the mission. It’s annoying, how that works.

Whether we open our eyes right now, or wait until death-bed clarity, every last one of us comes face to face with the consequences of how we live our lives.

The person who has done the harm may have outwardly escaped our desired justice. But inside that person, is a waking hellscape.

“Good,” we might say. Maybe so.

None of what I’m saying is meant to justify the absolute wretchedness that walks this earth.

But people who are not living in hell do not harm other people. People who are not bound by toxic cycles and lies, do not harm other people.

I also know what it is to not be comforted by, “No one gets away with anything.” It is a truth I am storing in my pocket for later.

On my list of abominations, harming the vulnerable is at the tippy top. It’s actually a pretty short list. Abomination is a heavy word, and it’s true a lot less than we seem to want it to be.

The sometimes incredibly unfortunate reality, is that no amount of righteous anger and blood thirst will fix the pain. We usually hope that it will. That it will somehow erase what has happened, or take it back, or make it not be what it is.

Also unfortunately, when we choose that path we tend become the very thing we are seeking to eradicate.

The answer to darkness has never been more darkness. The answer to darkness has always been to draw back the curtains on a sunny day. To light a candle or flip a switch. To pull up the rug and look at all that’s been swept under.

So convincing, righteous anger. So seductive, the thought of taking matters into our own hands and exacting whatever temporary justice we feel is available. Soon enough, though, the walls will go up, the chains will clasp, and we have become another prisoner awaiting the gallows.

And I don’t want to be held captive by someone else’s demons.

I’ve had plenty of my own with which to contend.

I am called to forgive. Not for the other person or people. Not to gloss over the raging storm, or to pretend I’ve never been shipwrecked by the hands of someone else. Certainly not to ignore the intense pain I or someone around me may be feeling.

I am called to forgive for my own eventual freedom.

I am called to forgive so that I have true choice between victim or victor.

HOWEVER…

Some days are just not forgiveness days. There is a gamut of emotion to be felt, and sometimes miles of work to do, before we can move into it. I see no value in forgiving because, “That’s what I’m supposed to do.” That method defeats the purpose, and buries deeper the hooks of insanity. Unfelt forgiveness is about as good as working intentionally to be bitter. It stains the word and its meaning. And anyone who is telling you to forgive a fresh or recently re-opened wound can take a seat. You have the time and the grace to work through some things, okay?

At a certain point, we find that forgiveness of ourselves seems to matter a whole lot more. Usually in our do or die, sink or swim moments of reckoning. There is no hope of truly forgiving another human or humans, until you’ve examined whether or not you’re carrying around resentment for your own self.

And, no one truly gets away with anything.

Just maybe don’t be surprised if in the calling out of other people, your own muck comes to the surface to be seen and dealt with.

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